Tall Monastic Guy

The divinity of vulnerability

Recently at Network a scene played out that is not exactly uncommon for our community.

Lenny claimed to have his bike and his phone stolen. Lenny lets his anger fly marching around in a colorful rage proclaiming, “I’m gonna kill whoever did this!”

Lenny happens to be one of my favorites. I consider him a friend. So, I follow him out the door to see if there’s any possibility of consolation.

“Lenny, come on. You’re not gonna kill anybody. You’re a good man. Simmer down so we can try to work this out.”

Lenny’s big, black, weathered hands firmly grip my shoulders as he looks me in the eye and says, “Ryan, I’m not a ‘good man.’ If you only knew…”

He proceeded to rattle off a list of crimes and crap I’d rather not have heard.

the move toward irrelevance

For some years now I’ve been persistently drawn to the dichotomy and tension between relevance and irrelevance.

About the time we moved to Denver 13 years ago I bought a subscription to a new Christian magazine called Relevant. The magazine brought to the forefront the music, news, and spiritual issues that were the zeitgeist (at least for young Christians) of the new millennium.

It was around this same time that Christians who were going through a metamorphosis of faith began expressing themselves and finding a new sense of community via weblogs.

Who are you?

Who are you?

Not who are you compared with them. Not who are you against. I’m not interested in which politician disgusts you most.

The question is who are you?

What are the questions your life is asking?

To borrow from Mary Oliver, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

By the way, you do have the courage to risk these questions. And you must.

(Again, were not talking about them. We’re talking about you.)

What are the questions you are sifting through?

If you need an archetype - an example - for this interior contemplative process let’s get really catholic and examine Mother Mary (mom of Jesus).

Gospel of Luke chapter two. The back half of verse 51.

“His mother treasured all these things in her heart.”

She does this after the traumatic scene of losing her 12 year old boy for 3 days.

Can you imagine?

Crisis. Chaos. Massive Anxiety. And then... treasuring.

Treasuring?

It’s an echo. It’s an echo of verse 19 of that same chapter. After giving birth in a barn hiding away from those who threatened to kill the Revolution and attempting to make sense of these strange visitors who came to witness the birth the author says,

“Mary treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

Treasuring?

Treasuring means to pay careful attention.

Treasuring is sifting through your questions.

Treasuring is recognizing you are not in control.

Mary treasured up and she pondered…

Mary gave birth to Revolution.

Treasuring is not being absorbed with the crowd.

Treasuring is not competing and comparing.

Treasuring means being yourself.

Treasuring means not allowing your fear or rage to shape and manipulate your path.

Treasuring doesn’t make for a good American.

Treasuring doesn’t blindly follow the leader.

Mary paid attention to the questions her life was asking.

This is what set her apart. 

What are the questions your life is asking?

What are you giving birth to?

Who are you?

The (irresponsible whimsical) Way

Last week I anxiously drafted a letter. It struck me as the responsible thing to do. Recently, the donations for one of the non-profits I lead took a dip in a season where expenses are on the rise. How inconvenient. The loudest most noticeable voice in my head was a stern one that said, “Don’t wait. Act now. Be responsible.”

That voice of traditional responsibility came through loud and clear but it was dissatisfying and not altogether trustworthy. 

I was left with a lingering question.

How often does God’s unorthodox ways of abundance clash with our traditional understanding of responsibility?

Straight Outta Nazareth (what Jesus shares in common with N.W.A.)

I recently watched Straight Outta Compton, the story of the short lived but wildly influential rap group N.W.A.

I thought it was disturbing. And that’s the feeling so many experienced after listening to that cassette tape or just catching wind of their lyrics 25 years ago. Their music explosively exposed the reality of the urban ghetto that made white middle-class families like mine lock our car doors and anxiously speed toward the "safer" suburb.

The reason I was disturbed after the movie was due to thinking through the very nature and necessity of disturbance. I wasn’t raised to be a disturbing person. I don’t think I’ve ever been identified as such. But over the years in my work among the poor and my work in introducing the non-poor to friends living on the street I’ve recognized the necessity and gift of disturbing the ruts and routines of comfortable cultural christians. 

Disturbance is what our morning alarms do to wake us up and get us moving each day. 

re-imagining God as friend

Driving up to Kevin’s house I prayed, “God, I just need the presence of a friend tonight.”

Kevin and I had been friends since our freshman year of college and for nearly 20 years now we’ve been seeing one another through the ebb and flow of life’s joy and despair.

On this particular night Kevin and I both needed mutual encouragement. Both of us were uniquely wrestling through struggles and the seeming experience of God’s absence.

Our chorus of bitching and moaning lasted for about an hour before we exhausted all words and eventually just sat together with the silence. It wasn’t long before a fresh recognition began to wash over both of us.

We were not alone.

pastimes & exclusivity

“pastime” ~ an activity one does for enjoyment rather than work, a hobby.

How often do our pastimes place us in proximity & solidarity with the overlooked and marginalized?

For instance, golf.

I love golf. But nearly everytime I’ve been on a golf course I’ve been removed not just from the homeless and economically poor, but I've seldom bumped into women or people of color on a golf course.

How many big decisions (within churches, non-profits, businesses) get sorted out in pastime spaces like golf courses? And yet the contributions of the diverse body of Christ are often unconsciously left out of the decision making process due to the nature of the pastimes that bond us.

And how many of these pastimes are competitive? Competition isn’t bad, but what are the implications of our ministry work if so many of our pastimes are competitive in nature?

Life impacts life.

How we eat, spend $, work, play, love impacts our neighbor more directly than we typically imagine. 

Are we there yet?

There was a time when we were barely able to see over the dashboard. A time when we agonized and ached from the boredom and all that youthful restlessness contained within the sealed off confines of the family car.

Are we there yet? we moaned. 

These days as a father of two wild boys I’m the target of that sorrow-filled question. Twice a year we pack up our little Honda sedan and set off on the thousand mile trek along I-70 between Denver and grandma and grandpa’s house in Indiana. And before we reach the state line of Kansas it begins.

Are we there yet? How much further?

Maybe listening to those repeated childish inquiries becomes so insanely annoying due to the reality that I’m still asking God and myself the same questions.

In my work - Am I there yet?

In my marriage - Am I there yet? 

In my finances - Am I there yet?

In my faith - Am I there yet?

And where exactly is this terribly elusive destination called there?

What if God stutters?

From the moment our boys wake up until the moment they fall asleep they talk. And talk. And talk. Constant commentary on all aspects of life. It’s exhausting (and beautiful and hilarious). My wife and I crave the hour or two of silence we’re afforded after they finally conk out at night.

For the past couple years our oldest has battled with stuttering. It can get particularly bad when he’s going through a wild growth spurt (which seems to be about every other month). As he struggles to produce complete words and sentences his mom and I attempt to maintain a positive and empowering posture - a body language, facial expression, and verbal response that allows him to feel received and safe with us.

Some days are harder than others. As we wait for the words to come out it can produce a powerless feeling in us. We don’t want him to feel so vulnerable. It makes us feel vulnerable.

(re)Discovering Intimacy

Each slow and deliberate step of the labyrinth was especially pronounced due to the loud crunch of the snowy January ground beneath my boots. A contemplative prayer walk wasn’t exactly on the agenda for the weekend as I along with a couple good buddies retreated into the mountains for some mid-winter snowshoeing. Nevertheless, there was this labyrinth conveniently located just down the road from our cabin so I decided to take advantage of it.

 

My body determined not to hurry through it. My mind, on the other hand, was a chaotic flurry of thoughts ranging from what I had for breakfast to what needed to be accomplished that next week.